1001 Albums You Must Die Before You Hear – The Fast Food Rockers’ diabetes-enhancer

1001 Albums You Must Die Before You Hear
#14: The Fast Food Rockers – The Fast Food Rockers (2003)

MATT KELLY valiantly warns the unsuspecting music fan to stay away from the horrendous 2003 comeback of Stock (of Aitken Waterman).

By 2003, the terrifying reign of the empty-headed bubblegum radio pollution of writing/production team Stock Aitken Waterman was a distant memory. But just like a horror movie villain, 10 years later Mike Stock rose from his pop-culture grave to blight the land with ‘The Fast Food Song’.

 

Would you like to support our mission to bring intelligence, insight and great writing to entertainment journalism? Help to pay for the coffee that keeps our brains working and fingers typing just for you. Witchdoctor, entertainment for grownups. Your one-off (or monthly) $5 or $10 donation will support Witchdoctor.co.nz. and help us keep producing quality content. It’s really easy to donate, just click the ‘Become a supporter’ button below.

 

Few alive at the time will have forgotten the sheer horror of turning on their music channel to see three idiots in primary coloured outfits jumping around shouting the name of fast-food restaurants over one of the most brazenly inane melodies to ever make the Top 10. Sometimes at night, as I toss and turn in my bed, I can still hear the tormented shrieks of:

“Oh Pizza Hut, oh Pizza Hut, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut
McDonald’s, McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut.”

Had it been packaged as children’s music I don’t think anyone would have minded, but Stock and FFR had plans to be a force in actual pop. It worked for one song before they fell off the face of the earth, but before their demise, FFR recorded and released a 50-minute-long album.

Is it all as bad as the ‘Fast Food Song’? Actually, no – a few songs stand out as being decently written with good hooks: ‘Unforgettable’ would have fit on a Kylie album and ‘Kiss Me Quick’ will go down a treat at the old folks’ home disco night with its enjoyably cheesy bass and melodically sweet chorus.

However, a couple of bright spots doesn’t get you through 15 songs. Listen to one track and you’ll think, “Well at least it’s not Crazy Frog.” Listening to it as an album is punishing – nondescript vocal performances and aggressively cheerful production that makes the Venga Boys sound like Tindersticks begin to eat away at your sanity.

Of the many low points, the most egregious is their attempt at the Ghostbusters theme – God knows why that’s here but it is, and its cut-and-paste dance beat and annoying vocal adlibs are intolerable.

It’s a deeply plastic album, with monotonous production that is almost proud about how generic it is, and the emotional range of a tree stump; the please-shoot-me-in-the-face ‘Strut Your Funky Stuff’ (spoilers: it is not funky) being a good example.

Rather like their namesake, The Fast Food Rockers’ sugary pap is likely to give you diabetes.

Avatar photo

Matthew Kelly is the most important person in the music industry – the type of obsessive nerd without whom it would have no reason to produce box sets and nine-hour long documentaries.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Give a little to support Witchdoctor's quest to save high quality independent journalism. It's easy and painless! Just donate $5 or $10 to our PressPatron account by clicking on the button below.

Witchdoctor straight to your inbox every 2nd week

Authors

Panasonic Fire TV Be Mesmerised with next gen AI TV
Advance Paris - Designed with French flair. Amplifiers, Streamers, CD players and more www.pqimports.co.nz
Previous Story

Writing With Fire – leave your first-world whining at the door

Next Story

The best (and worst) streaming TV shows & films to watch this April

Latest from 1001 albums you must die before you hear

Go toTop